Will these memory flashes fade? Coping with the coping mechanism

Coping Mechanisms

Following Ade’s recent blog on loss, Tom considers how we walk through the maze of healing and tries to understand how the brain reacts to loss.


Ade’s recent blog about death and how we cope with such things has made me think about the ghosts and shadows that haunt my life. It has been almost 12 months since I separated from my wife and the pain of that event is still present. Ade wrote that ‘much in life becomes trivial and is rendered superfluous in the wake of a loved one’s permanent absence’. I have said many times that it would have been easier to cope with my wife’s death, rather than the circumstances under which we parted ways. In that scenario there would have been an end to our story, but there wasn’t one, there was just a sudden transition to a different form of life.

I am still haunted by her. Not long ago I left an important work meeting and drove away in my car, really pleased with the day’s achievements. I turned my gaze to the passenger seat, where she often sat, and I was ready to tell her what I had done today, but the seat was empty. I had to go and sit on my own for a while after that and process this lingering memory of familiarity. That was a very direct version of such hauntings, there are others that are subtle, but more frequent. Certain colours that held some association with her were difficult for me to cope with, but this issue is starting to leave me. TV programmes, films, sayings… anything that allows access to some of these abandoned memories of our relationship often bring a sudden rush of images and sounds and emotions that I can no longer abide. As time has passed, I have started to accept these experiences as part of a healing process and have felt more comfortable in the knowledge that these things will dissipate with time. I have tried hard not to run away from such experiences and tried to face them and accept that I will, of course, meet people that like similar things or wear similar clothes. I think I have put some barriers in place that I consider to be ‘too similar’, but I assume I will know them when they occur. I think people who haven’t experienced such loss find it difficult to understand the mental effort required to push past such issues and avoid shifting into a very negative and defensive mental space.

It’s funny how you can make yourself believe that you have overcome something like loss or trauma and then you find yourself moving into a new stage of the healing process and struggling to overcome an aspect that was previously beyond your understanding. This recently happened when I started to re-engage in relationships with others. My friends had told me that I would have difficulty trusting people again, which I knew would be the case, and I thought I had coped well with this, but it was only when I entered into a new relationship that I could actually see the amount of damage I needed to fix in my own internal wiring. It takes all I have to convince myself that other people will not treat me the same way as I have been treated before. What helps with this process is knowing I don’t actually need anyone else in my life, that I can survive quite comfortably on my own and I can maintain my own self-sufficiency, and that the people in my life are there because I want them to be.

I don’t want the events of the past year to define my life, so I am annoyed when unwanted thoughts careen back into my consciousness, but those friends that are close to me, tell me that it is still early days for me and that I should talk about these things when I want to and allow myself to feel the emotions that come forth.

Ade also wrote ‘in a world of opposites the more you experience one side, the greater the secrets of its opposite are revealed’, this is so true to my recent experiences. The feelings of freedom and peace that I have felt around the darkness and trauma have been so uplifting that I wouldn’t change a thing. I have met so many new friends and experienced so much, that I can’t conclude that all of this has only brought me pain and suffering. Anyone that has been through a similar set of events knows how far reaching the fallout is. It effects everything in your life, but it also cleanses at the same time. I have enjoyed losing the set predictable patterns of my old life and following this bumpy completely unpredictable one. I can see things differently, hear things differently. The world just isn’t the same.

You do have to be cautious of the type of people you communicate regularly with, as some types of discussion can be hard to cope with if there is a lot of difficult things going on in your life. Some people’s attempts to empathise can be damaging, as some people can’t help but reinterpret your issues via their own insecurities. I have been the recipient of some astronomically damaging advice and support over recent months. I include some of my favourites below with a few of my internal reactions:

It must be so difficult for you, you must see no future’ – all air in my lungs suddenly departs, and all I can say to myself is ‘wow, just wow, I totally don’t agree’

I feel so sorry for you, you have had such a terrible year’ – I don’t think it has been a terrible year actually, but I get what you mean.

The loneliness hasn’t kicked in yet, you’ll feel it in another couple of years’ – How patronising, thanks for the support, this assumes that I require some kind of permanent ‘other’ in my life, maybe you should read my blog about solitude.

I would have killed myself if I was in your situation’ – ummm… that is a bit weird to say and isn’t that helpful, because I immediately have to consider that specific train of thought. I’ll internally reform this into a sentence that says ‘wow, you are doing really well’.

You have plenty more years to start a family’ – another patronising comment and making further assumptions of what I want my life to be in the future. Thank you.

The best support has come from people that accept that I will have difficulty coping at times and that I should take every day as it comes, and have emphasised that I am doing well. Positive support, patience and positive distraction is just fine to help me along the way. Someone recently showed me a David Attenborough documentary about bioluminescence when I was feeling particularly low, which allowed me to refocus my mind onto other things. These experiences are so important.

‘Time will save you, you don’t need to save yourself’

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The Fight Against The Racing Mind

Brain(LR)Tom replies to Adrian’s recent blog about the overactive mind and discusses the difficulties of keeping an overactive mind under control.


Adrian’s recent blog about battling the negative mind has made me think about my own conscious and subconscious thoughts. I have never considered categorising these thoughts in this way.

My mind races and it always has. I fear the speed at which thoughts can run through my mind and the level of detail that I can pick out of any given scenario. This partly links to my imagination which is able to create a new world one minute or go through an alternate discussion with a work colleague the next. It means that ideas and opinions come quite fluidly, but these thoughts come at a cost. That cost, like Adrian’s, is normally sleep and peace of mind.

I often worry that my mind will race ahead of me at a pace that I just can’t keep up with and I will be lost forever. Having hobbies helps significantly with this, turning a burning mind to the attention of building a model, writing a novel or recording music pushes all other distractions aside and allows me to find focus.

I limit my exposure to media messages and news articles and try hard to maintain a choice in what I read, watch and listen to, so that I can avoid gathering nonsensical worries about the world. My imagination is best directed at things that are constructive. Worrying isn’t the most constructive activity, but I have developed some wonderful project strategies and business plans over the years while trying to curtail any worry that comes careening into my mind.

As I get older I have started to realise that such planning for the worst seems less and less of an importance. One of the few universal laws that I have discovered in this life is this:

‘It is always the circumstance you never planned for that always happens’

I use to think that if I planned for the worst case scenario in all situations then I could work backwards to a safer scenario. For the most part, this approach has worked well for me, but it really requires a significant mental investment. subsequently my stubbornness to modify my plans can then seem incredibly strange to others who haven’t followed my imaginary project plan.

As my universal law above states, this is often thrown to ruin by that one thing happening that you never conceived as a possibility. A whole new thought process then begins regarding the containment of this mysterious anomaly. These mind games have been fun for most of my life, but I admit that I am getting ‘too old for this shit’ and I am starting to prefer this variant of my universal law.

‘Nothing ever goes as planned, so you just need to be able and willing to adapt’

This is pretty similar to the previous law, but requires much less mental effort. In a world where accountability seems to be paramount I think a lot of people worry about things going wrong and whether they will be blamed. Most of our time seems to be spent ensuring that we are not caught doing something wrong or we are proving that something that has happened wasn’t our fault. It is a shame, because so much stress and anxiety is caused by this culture of blame.

I am starting to become more comfortable with accepting that I make mistakes and just try to find a way around resolving things. It is rarely worth the mental effort to harbour regrets and guilt. It is better to be prepared for change, whatever that change may be.

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