Due to incredible demand (Tom did keep on!), we’ve put together a video for our second podcast ‘Combatting Loneliness’. In this podcast, we amble aimlessly and avoid any cohesive points or structured arguments and you’ll have nothing really to gain from listening too it. There is always the reprieve of listening to the full debut single ‘Isolation Explosion’ at the end which we thought was reasonable. Enjoy.
Tom has gone off on his own (again), abandoning No Side Effects to sing about grass, while wearing a silly hat. His CD looks nice, but it’s all a bit weird.
Here’s a song called ‘Paper Fire’. Burning paper is the least weird thing he’s burnt recently (I worry about him).
There’s also this review where they say some vaguely nice things about this album and some pretty photos of his CD.
There’s also this launch event where he’s trying to get everyone to dress as animals. I just don’t get it.
No Side Effects have completed the master of their new album ‘Reinventing Failure’, due out next year. Listen to Tom and Ade chatting about it.
It’s been a long journey, but the wait is nearly over. The album CD should hopefully be released in 2018 if they can scrape together enough cash to make it happen.
Last night I was thinking about the #metoo campaign and a certain subject that came up in regard to it. One of my friends had written about porn websites and the amount of real rape and abuse on them and that we need to educate and better inform young impressionable men and boys. Someone replied about fantasised rape and BDSM and how that shouldn’t be included within this, as it is between consenting adults.
I knew this was close to my line, I could feel it. There was something I needed to say about this, but I didn’t know what. After a while I started to work it out.
Fantasising rape might be exciting for some, but it is still a form of desensitising of aggression and abuse. The human brain has an odd quirk of miss identifying the sensations of excitement and danger; therefore, it is quite commonplace to find something dangerous, exciting. There is also a fair amount of psychological research on early development and experience being a coda for what you class as ‘sexually exciting’. If your mother told you off for doing something when you were a kid, and you subsequently felt bad about it, then you might fetishisise this later in life. If all this is new to you AND you are one of the ones immersing yourself in risky sexual practices, I suggest you go and read a book.
Fetishising rape is concerning on many levels to me. In my experience, this type of behaviour is frequently associated with people who have a history of sexual abuse. Are there any stats on this? I’d imagine not. How well do you know your partner when participating in these acts? By making such fantasies a reality are you healing them or making matters worse? I wouldn’t know the answer, but I would hope that those practicing it have had this discussion.
I have spoken to people that have put themselves in rooms with men they barely knew with the specific intent to act out abuse. I have seen the emails these men send and how they talk, and what I saw was aggression, disrespect and threat aimed at women. Those men have mental problems and difficult relationship histories with women (and have a shockingly low opinion of them too). They are simply not safe to be in this situation with, but that is where they are, under the shroud of supposed ‘consensual sex’, ‘acting out’ rape with vulnerable people, who can struggle to communicate and express themselves honestly and truthfully.
Part of the problem is the switchable nature of the mind. The ability to endorse and support women who have been abused and then wander off back to your phone and share videos of naked ex-girlfriends with your friends. Are you aware of your own two-sided nature? Dark/light/dark/light/light/dark/light/dark/light…..
Someone on Twitter I know has a male friend that likes all of their posts and all their other ‘liked’ posts are porn videos and sexual content. Is that not an indication of what the male mind can be like? Yeah, it could be harmless stuff they do in their spare time, but it is still a window into their mind, and sex seems to be high on the mental agenda, the sexual being hidden beneath the friendly face, and yes I am more cynical about this than, maybe some others would be.
Not long ago I was chatting with a guy who was having a bad day at work and was feeling angry and started talking about his overriding urge to ‘fuck someone’. He was spending a lot of his days with women and vulnerable people. I guess there is no problem with that urge, in itself, but the harm you may be causing by acting on that urge needs to be mitigated. I wonder if this guy’s mind in ‘angry-sex-urge’ mode was able to consider that respect requirement? He casually talked to me about it in a ‘you know what I mean, right?’ kind of way. Honestly, my reaction, was ‘no… I don’t really get what you mean’. He could, of course, just go off and have a wank somewhere and calm down his sexual urges. I don’t talk to him anymore.
Someone’s drive for sexual gratification can lead them to do strange things, to manipulate, to control. This can also include denial of sexual contact. The stories I have been told are shocking, but all have a scent of the very primal urges that procreation manifests, after all, we still jump if we hear a loud noise, as our senses are still prepared to defend us from other tribes and animals, even after all these thousands of years. Just because Neolithic man was more likely to rape women, or use his physical strength to control a physical encounter doesn’t mean 21st century-man should act on it.
If it is a subconscious sexual urge, then you may be totally negligent to its overriding drive in your life, but seriously… learn to know your own mind! What does it do? How does it react? Think about yourself, educate your head!
If you are man reading this, ask yourself: Do you find rape sexually exciting? Don’t get all bitter and twisted at yourself, just note that answer. Finding it exciting isn’t an an issue in itself, but how far you are willing to go to gratify your sexual urges most certainly IS!
So how far are you willing to go to get this sensation and how strongly does it control your day to day life? For the people who’s emails I saw, well… it looked like most of their days were occupied by such urges. If that is you… I think you need to go and get some help, as putting vulnerable women at risk, no matter how you choose to justify it, will never be okay. Never!
‘I CAN control how I feel, in the mind is all it is. It’s all this is’
No Side Effects approve of #NationalPoetryDay. As a special treat, we thought we’d depress you with some of our prose of existential dread.
We have retracted
All our names from the sun
This is enacted
This wave that never turns
All these voices sing and bicker
Reaching out for a slither of gold
But these machines and machinations
Will bring ruin to us all
Flick the switch that makes it fall apart so efficiently
Lay foundations that allow us to build something that can truly fall
And all we have are pedigrees and interventions to bury us all
We are reinventing failure
Our long protracted
Sentiments of how we feel
Our world is divided
Don’t apologies for the things you’ve done
All these engines roar and splutter
A space apart from our worlds apart
We’re certain we can die
So much faster
Smash the bricks so they can crumble much quicker
Recycle our memories and repackage them for another day
When all we have are trembling hands and prophecy
We have reinvented failure
Clear this, clear this faster
Find this, find this quicker
Kill this, kill this cleaner
Take this, take this leaner
Build this, build this bigger
Run this, run this water
Make this, make this torture
Hate this, hate this weather
Share this, share this failure
We revise and analyse
What’s in our skies
With time and lies we pacify
Our resemblance to humans
We rewind and wonder why
Our minds are inclined to satisfy
Our imminent failure.
Tom revisits some of his thoughts on loneliness, overpowering subconscious thoughts and relationships
Ade suggested recently that I ‘revisit’ some of my writing on loneliness and isolation from back in 2015. Most of it was written at a time when the divorce process was just beginning, and I was left to react to a world and life situation that was incredibly different to what I had been used to for most of my adult life.
One change that I am aware of is my own enthusiasm for sharing my thoughts on these subjects online. I would like to think that it is because I have become so comfortable with such subjects that I no longer feel the urge to write about them, but the reality is probably more to with confidence. There is so much written on the internet, by so many people; what gives me the right to contribute and what would I be saying that adds value to this whirly web of thoughts and opinions? These thoughts might reflect a lack of confidence in my writing muscle, or maybe I have had many of these discussions in the offline world and don’t feel such a need to do it anymore? Even so, here I am, trying again.
Thoughts of loneliness and feelings of anxiety certainly crop up more than they used to, but my perception of their arrival is much stronger. In recent months I found it difficult to achieve a meditative state while so many things were going on in my personal and work lives and I am aware now, while returning to the meditative practice, how much of a toll that has taken on my mind.
I have spent some time dissecting the thoughts of loneliness. I have sat and looked at them. I visualise them to my left and the more rationale part of myself to the right (for some reason). They encapsulate a constant bickering of conflicting points of view and self-deprecation. As I have looked at these thoughts I see more clearly that they have very little to do with loneliness itself. They are a mix of other thoughts: the fear of letting go; longing for meaningful and reciprocal connections; doubting the people you trust; replaying events with different, fantasised motivations; fear of rejection. It interests me that none of these things are specifically or exclusively connected to being alone or to loneliness, but they do empower the negative feelings of isolation. If you spend too much time listening to such voices then you just become trapped within yourself.
Many people are quick to defer much of this negative thought stream to the hunt for a ‘significant other’ who, they fantasise will chase all these unwanted sensations away. This seems to be entirely unfair on the other person. We are talking about the acquisition of happiness, which is something that can’t realistically be attributed to a single person.
*In reference to what I mentioned earlier, that voice has just appeared; the voice that says ‘why are you writing this? Everyone knows all of this already. You don’t have the answers’. Thank you for the reminder, brain!
So where am I with loneliness right now? I am aware of it. I see it. I know that I am actually quite happy on my own and always have been; it is the battle against the stream of negative thoughts that is the main thing I struggle with. This negative stream of subconscious can be combatted or, at least, postponed by being sociable. I have been quite sociable in various forms in the past couple of years, but I am also aware of a need for my own space and time away to process things and empty my mind, so I am trying to find a middle ground with this.
I think relationships hold great value, but probably more for their ability to help two people cope with the ever-increasing demands of life, rather than a means for combatting loneliness. If both people (or more, if that is your bag) are invested in it then it can be a wonderful thing. It is great to have people you can turn to for support, but I am aware of the ever changing nature of things. The fight to keep things as they are is fruitless if life is inevitably about change. Change is not always something welcomed, but it pays to be prepared for it.
The world around us in 2017 is one of perpetual changes in political landscapes and crises which contribute to anxiety and division, but it is important to tune out from time to time to allow essential perspective to flourish. Knowing there is ground beneath your feet is an important realisation.
The day is almost here where you can get on with your lives and no longer have to cope with the perpetual, nagging numbness of a massive musical chasm. Until then, you’ll have to make do with the following trailer for the No Side Effects debut album ‘Reinventing Failure’, coming very soon.